It’s time to re-brand doping. But hold on, don’t get your knickers in a twist – we’re definitely not advocating EPO or any other PEDs, nor are we slipper-wearing teetotalers. Let’s call this our re-branding manifesto.
In the saddle we give everything, push our bodies to the limit and wring out every last drop of strength. But for us, this is not about making money or marking our place in cycling history, so why should we adopt the monastic life of the pros and sacrifice those sinful pockets of daily life by turning down a beer at a party? (Although, again, no PEDs).
So, put down the power meters, forget the segments and rid your cupboards of energy gels – ride on instinct, ride with sensation. It’s time to get back to the simple pleasure of riding. And you know what you’ll get in return? A velophile-style, two wheel-driven fix of exercise-induced endorphins; this is our form of doping, our hit of the good stuff. Mens sana in corpore sano – sound mind, sound body, sound sport. So join us in this re-branding – dopers, PED pushers (that includes you motoman) and dodgy doctors need not apply.
Tiramisu
Origin: Northern Italy
Literally translated ‘Tiramisu’ can be broken down into tira (pick) and mi (me) + sù (up), which is exactly what the ingredient list promises: espresso, mascarpone, amaretto and ladyfinger biscuits (don’t ask). A caffeine hit and sugar blast all in one package so energy is a given – although as each mouthful is probably as calorific as an entire meal, this is best left for a post-ride indulgence.
Waffles
Origin: Dutch, but let’s allow the Belgians to take credit
A frequent sight at the Spring Classics, you’ll need to grasp the intricacies of knowing what distinguishes a Gaufre de Liège from its Brussels-style counterpart. Here’s a clue: Liege waffles are thicker, stickier and far richer, whereas those from Brussels are lighter and fluffier.
Crêpe
Origin: France
Best consumed on the Atlantic coast near Brest in the mouthwatering Crêpe Suzette variant, which is served flambé in a sauce of orange-flavored liqueur. But as a mid-ride or post-ride refuel, any crêpe will do.
Beer
Origin: The Belgians and the Germans have this one nailed.
Chilled and refreshing, this beverage should numb the pain after a hard ride on Belgian cobbles – although we’ll accept other excuses too.
Frites
Origin: Surely Belgium deserves the credit here Variants: Pommes/Pommes Frites/Chips (not to be confused with crisps)
Street food at its finest as you tuck into newspaper-nestled crispy jolts of energy. Naturally well-travelled riders will adopt cultural customs such as peanut sauce in the Netherlands, ketchup in America, the yellow Joppie sauce in Belgium and generous dashings of curry powder in Germany.
Hamburger
Origin: USA
No disrespect to tofu or beetroot burgers, but a burger is only a burger when 1) it’s so big you can’t fit it in your mouth and 2) the meat is so juicy that most of it ends up running onto the plate or your jersey.
Espresso
Origin: 1940s Italy
The one-stop-cure for any situation. Top of the Stelvio? Coast road near Barcelona? A good espresso will set up for any climb, (but Starbucks just won’t do).
Kaiserschmarrn
Origin: Austria, Southern Germany (doesn’t the name give it away?)
Translated as ‘Emperor’s Mess’, what can you do but love this main course disguised as a dessert? Unlike the name suggests, the taste isn’t anywhere near as anarchistic but it’s a sure-fire way to satisfy the stomach. Ideal for a refreshment break on a sunny Alpine meadow.
Apple strudel
Origin: German, der Apfelstrudel
Surely the gran fondo of desserts, apple strudel is a downright classic and comes in many variations. It’s best to stay true to heritage though and team it with cream and an awe-inspiring view of the Alps.
Energy bars
Origin: everywhere it seems these days
Put down the artificial energy bars and opt for ones made with natural ingredients that preferably hail from a 30 km radius of your home. Both our consciences and our constitutions are fully on board with this new trend for fine-dining bars.
Croissant
Origin: France
There’s only one real ingredient that matters to the French: butter. And there’s nowhere it is more at home than in a perfect, fresh croissant. Dunk it in a coffee before scaling Mont Ventoux.
Donut
Origin: USA Variant: Doughnut (British English)
Other than Homer from the Simpsons, cyclists have to be amongst the biggest fans of donuts, and Ohio is even hosting its 10th edition of the Tour de Donut this year. Do we need further confirmation? This stateside event claims to be the ‘sweetest’ race in the world, with each donut you eat knocking a full five minutes off your overall ride time. Still not convinced? Donuts are called ‘bombolone’ in Italian just like certain fat bike tyres. Clearly donuts are as important to riding as Netflix is to chilling.
What’s your favourite poison – food and drink – for the hours on the bike and your post-ride ritual? Let us know at dope@granfondo-cycling.com
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Words: Robin Schmitt Photos: Noah Haxel, Constantin Gerlach
